EXCLUSIVE SCARIENS INTERVIEW
LEAKED: SCARIENS DESTROY ZOMBIE RAY DEVICE
RICHMOND ~ Members of the legendary Scariens agreed to a rare interview when tabloid reporter Ace Hooligan recently caught up with the controversial combo after a ritual performance at a local saloon. The interview was cut short when Federal officials arrived to execute warrants against the radical rock renegades. Scarien band members bolted from the saloon when a black chopper landed on the roof, apparently evading the 15 men in black suits who arrived moments after the helicopter landed.
The G-Men questioned Hooligan about the Scariens, but the award winning tabloid reporter refused to turn over the taped interview that had been recorded just moments earlier. Local politicians Mayor Kaine and City Manager Jamison arrived on the scene and instructed the G-Men to check out a certain trailer park in the southern sector of town that they believe has been used as a hideout by the fugitive musicians.
Both Kaine and Jamison refused to comment when Ace Hooligan questioned them about their origins. It has been reported that the men are clone twins manufactured at the secret Ukrops Cloning Facility in the fashionable western sector of Richmond. The city officials accused Hooligan of obstructing justice when the reporter denied knowing the whereabouts of the Scariens. The man-made city officials claimed that the Scariens are wanted for destroying a top secret electronic device that was recently installed on the roof of the City Hall. The device was donated by the Republicrat organization, Gateway Virginia, a joint venture created by Media General, Ethyl Corporation, and certain Federal anti-intelligence agencies. It is believed that both Kaine and Jamison are owned by Ethyl Corporation, Richmond's largest genetic mutation company.
Readers will find a complete unedited transcript of Ace Hooligan's exclusive interview with the Scariens below, despite attempts by city officials to suppress it. Because Virginia Supreme Court Justices were on vacation, the Mayor was unable to file secret documents with the court before presstime. The secret papers contained arcane legalese which would have required the court to "prohibit publication of Scarien propaganda" until further notice.
INTERVIEW WITH THE
ACE HOOLIGAN: Your combo has been described in various fanzines and tabloids as being clone busters, alien bashers, and vampire slayers. Are these reports true?
HUK L. BURY: We're just a rock band that has been caught up in a few unusual circumstances.
DUSTY DEEDBOOKS: We don't go out looking for no trouble. We've had to defend ourselves against a bunch of attacks. We've only tried to bring out the truth about the evil mutant aliens that are controlling the human race.
JABBAH: The clone busters thing is about our ongoing battle with the Mayor and the City Manager. We discovered that they are clone twins owned by the Ethyl Corporation. They tried to ban us from performing in Richmond, so we leaked their little secret to the tabloids.
ACE HOOLIGAN: I've heard about a number of strange battles with evil aliens and zombie politicians. What is it about the Scariens that invites these attacks?
HUK L. BURY: It's the music. These mutants hate it. It drives them crazy.
DUSTY DEEDBOOKS: When they hear them ancient melodies, it makes their skin crawl.
ACE HOOLIGAN: What is it about the music they hate?
KAREEM AHWEET: It makes them have migraine headaches and anxiety attacks. The MK-Ultra wheels, the real ones, make them dizzy and disoriented.
JABBAH: Anyone under the control of the evil Arien aliens is conditioned to loathe Scarien music. But the real reason they're out to stop us is the ancient melodies defeat their lame mind control.....its like a natural remedy for alien mind control.
HUK L. BURY: Its like magic. Its more powerful than their cheesy MK-Ultra crap.
ACE HOOLIGAN: MK-Ultra? Are you talking about that CIA mind control stuff? What do you mean about the "cheesy MK-Ultra crap"?
DUSTY DEEDBOOKS: The Scarien melodies and the real MK-Ultra wheels are mysterious gifts from ancient people, man. Them little whirly wheels the G-Men got ain't nothin but little swastikas that they spin around. The real Scarien MK-Ultra wheels ain't for brainwashing, they're for deprogramming, not reprogramming.
HUK L. BURY: The Feds have been after us for years trying to get the plans for the real MK-Ultra wheel.
ACE HOOLIGAN: Have you had any trouble with the government lately?
HUK L. BURY: (laughs)
DUSTY DEEDBOOKS: Well, I stirred up something the other night up on top of City Hall. Kareem found this alien mind control device up there.
KAREEM AHWEET: It was some kind of transmutational zombie ray deal aimed over at Oregan Hill. It was alien for sure. Then Dusty....you tell him what you did.
DUSTY DEEDBOOKS: Well, I took a leak on the thing and it started smoking and everything, so we split.
KAREEM AHWEET: Then the cops started chasing us.
DUSTY DEEDBOOKS: Yeah, and then Jabbah disintegrated the front end of a cop car with that little particle accelerator thing.
HUK L. BURY: We'll probably be hearing something about all that.
DUSTY DEEDBOOKS: Them vampires over at Ethyl Corporation want to build a high rise genetic mutation facility over on Oregan Hill. I think they've been using that zombie ray to brainwash the people living on Oregan Hill so they won't say nothing.
ACE HOOLIGAN: I understand that you have a new member in the combo.
HUK L. BURY: Yeah, Jewla DeNyle. Best singer this side of Burma.
JABBAH: She just went up the street to get her van, she should be back in a minute.
ACE HOOLIGAN: There's a rumor going around that the Scariens will be releasing a CD soon. When will that be out?
KAREEM AHWEET: We're in the studio now.
HUK L. BURY: Plus we've got about 39 hours of live material to edit.
JABBAH: I hope it'll be out before the Y2K collapse.
HUK L. BURY: Plus we've got 894 bogus copyright infringement suits against us. But they didn't write the music.
DUSTY DEEDBOOKS: We got the original recordings that prove the Scarien melodies are over 10,000 years old.
ACE HOOLIGAN: I recently read the book, Scarien Nation Now Be One, which described how you obtained your music from a super race of enlightened aliens. Is there any truth to this?
KAREEM AHWEET: Shhhhh.
HUK L. BURY: What's the matter?
KAREEM AHWEET: Listen.
JABBAH: It's the chopper!
DUSTY DEEDBOOKS: Run for it!
The Scariens ran out of the building and jumped into the back of an unmarked van and then sped away. One bystander commented that the van's license plat bore the name "JEWLA". A street vendor selling high quality paintings of Huk L. Bury on black velvet remarked that the lady driving the van appeared to be wearing an ancient Egyptian blouse.