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THE RETURN OF THE SCARIENS


RICHMOND ~ Lawyers representing the exiled band, Scariens, claim that the combo may soon return to Richmond from a secret location near the middle east. The band left the country last year after a three year investigation culminating in numerous federal charges alleging that the combo possessed illegal alien contraband.

After Scariens went into exile, state charges were lodged against them after Republicrat Guvner George Allen's Special Multi-Jurisdictional Grand Dragon Jury found that the band had most likely been engaging in psychic manipulation of registered voters. Allen issued a Special Goobernatorial Proclamation in 1995 banning the combo from performing in the Commonwealth of Virginia.

S C A R I E N   W H I R L


Snoop Dougy Doug Wilder, a personal friend of Scariens and Chief Attorney of the band's legal defense team, has reportedly worked out an agreement with the Justice Department. Washington insiders report that Janet Reno turned to putty in the Snoop's hands after he showed her a few of his moves. Apparently, all charges against The Scariens will be dropped if they promise not to release certain photographs of Hillary Rodham-Clinton to the tabloid press. In exchange for his refusal to endorse Don Beyer in the 1997 goobernatorial race, Snoop got Guvner elect Jimmy Gilmore to lift the Scarien ban in Virginia.