REPUBLICRAT
NATIONAL COMMITTEE
GOOD NEWS
WASHINGTON ~ Republicrats recently held a gala awards ceremony celebrating the miraculous success of their progressive programs that have transformed America into a model of perfect governance. The event was held at the posh new Bilderberg Motel just opened on "K" Street and attracted hundreds of Republicrat higher ups. The ceremony featured celebrity speakers and special recognition was given to successful Republicrats that have utilized the new chaos paradigm. The chaos paradigm is a modern scientific method of governance based on commonly accepted physics theories and real science.
REPUBLICRAT CHAOS AWARDS
Secretary of the Inferior Bruce Babble won a Republicrat Chaos Award for his outstanding work in forest management. Using the laws of physics, Babble solved the problem of forest fires. Experts under Babble's command recently realized there was a danger of forest fires in New Mexico and were able to devise a solution using reverse psychology combined with the chaos paradigm. Inferior Department operatives waited until there was low humidity, high winds, and no chance of rain and then successfully set the forest on fire, avoiding a random forest fire.
Attorney General Reno won the coveted Republicrat Chaos Award for her compassion for the children. Reno demonstrated uncanny abilities to solve children's issues early on with her remarkable success in Waco. When psycho religious kook David Koresh threatened the lives of innocent children held hostage in his compound, Reno dispatched Special Forces to the scene immediately. After a brief standoff, she sent in the tanks and killed the endangered children before Koresh could harm them. Recently Reno demonstrated her compassion for a refugee boy who was being traumatized by his relatives. Once Reno determined that the boy was in danger of being upset by his relatives, she sent in storm troopers and abducted the child at gun point.
Senator Fred Thompson was given the Republicrat Chaos Award for his investigation of campaign finance irregularities. Delving into how national security was being compromised by political donations from parties seeking to transfer secret military technology to Red China, the savvy Senator was able to raise thousands of dollars from those parties and land a job for his deadbeat son as a high paid lobbyist. Special accountants have determined that the Senator then saved the taxpayers millions of dollars by ending his investigations.
Drug Czar General Barry McDaffy was given the Republicrat Chaos Award (and an extra star for his hat) for his achievements in maintaining new world order. General McDaffy received long overdue recognition for his heroic leadership in the war with Iraq. The General developed brilliant military strategies to win the war, such as waiting until the enemy surrenders before killing them. McDaffy was also given a hug by the Imperial President for his work as Drug Czar. The remarkable General was honored for his tough policies which have resulted in over 600,000 annual marijuana arrests, over 2,000,000 Americans in prison, increased poppy production in South America, and a potentially profitable secret war in Colombia.
Global Reserve Chairperson Alan Greenspin received the Republicrat Chaos Award for his scientific manipulation of the free market. Using the latest super computers programmed with state-of-the-art chaos models, Greenspin was able to solve the problem of inflation. The Chairperson was able to increase inflation to 14% by raising interest rates and ordering the treasury to print more currency.
Imperial President Clinton received the Republicrat of the Century Award for his many outstanding achievements in foreign policy. With emphasis on compassionate missile strikes, Clinton has achieved world peace. New chaos paradigm theories formulated by the Imperial President were instrumental in bringing peace to Kosovo. When the evil Serbs and the lovable Albanians refused to stop their centuries old civil war, Clinton solved the problem by launching peace missiles. The missile strikes, designed to persuade civilians to give Serb leader Milosovic lower poll ratings, also resulted in the destruction of hundreds of scary looking cardboard tanks and intimidating cardboard airplanes built by evil Serbs.
