THE WEB'S NO. 1 POSTMODERN ULTRA TABLOID
wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ
HOLLYWOOD PYRAMID SCHEME
ARCHAEOLOGISTS UNCOVER FLYING SAUCER
Scientists believe the pyramid
is over 1,000 feet in height
RICHMOND ~ Archaeologists and UFO experts have descended upon Hollywood Cemetery since the unexpected discovery of an alien space craft buried beneath the ancient pyramid there. Excavations began several months ago to determine the origin and purpose of the pyramid, once believed to be the Tomb of Queen Nosferatu.
Despite the protests over dust, noise, and camel dung by residents of the fashionable Oregan Hill neighborhood, archaeologists continued the project in the abutting graveyard under armed guard. After the alien space ship was discovered, many Oregan Hill residents became involved in the project.
Members of the exclusive club, the Chuckwagon Gang, have volunteered the use of their pickup trucks to haul away dirt and rubble. Fire hydrants in the neighborhood have been turned on by the children to supply the work camels with much needed water. Teenaged hooligans have returned nearly all of the stolen shovels to the excavation site.
Scientists first became aware of the alien vessel last Wednesday when ultrasound equipment was brought in to determine how far the pyramid extended below ground level. The project has dispelled long held myths regarding the pyramid. Carbon dating of strange birds trapped in the upper vault of the pyramid have led archaeologists to believe that construction of the pyramid began prior to the Byrd Era, nearly 10,000 years ago.
While most experts thought the pyramid was built on the ground level, the new ultrasound data proves that the pyramid is actually over 1,000 feet in height with over 900 feet below ground. No evidence has been discovered that the pyramid was built as a tomb. Experts now speculate that the Tomb of Queen Nosferatu might be located in the ancient Maury Cemetary.
UFO experts were actually able to enter the space ship on Thursday and they were astounded at how well the craft was preserved. All of the experts agreed that the alien craft is quite different from the ones commonly found in the Washington, D.C. area.
The CIA closed the area as soon as the space craft was discovered and government scientists began removing all the hi-tech gadgets found in the alien craft. wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ was able to obtain top secret information from a janitor who found a sketch of the interior of the space ship.
The flying saucer contained equipment that earth scientists have only dreamed about. Among the major finds was a cosmic inverter and an automatic robot controller. An interdimensional converter was also found that is quite similar to the one owned by wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ.
Local UFO expert and known crackpot Jacob Houser insists the saucer originated from the Scarien Planet beyond the outer limits. Claiming that he is in possession of a book written on the Scarien Planet and transmitted from the future, Houser asserts that the book has actual pictures of a space ship like the one found under the pyramid.
Houser met with Governor Jimmy Gilmore yesterday to share his information and Gilmore immediately placed him in Central State Hospital indefinately for thought crimes against the state. The alien book that Houser claims to own has not yet been located, but federal agents are conducting an intensive search for it. The missing book would be considered alien contraband under a Presidential Proclamation made last year.
UPDATE: ANCIENT SCARIEN MURAL FOUND IN PYRAMID