THE WEB'S NO. 1 POSTMODERN ULTRA TABLOID
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SCARIENS MAY PERFORM IN KABUL
Angry mob shouts "Free the Scariens!"
WASHINGTON ~ An ugly riot erupted last Tuesday after rumors that the government had locked up the cult combo known as Scariens. Despite official denials that Scariens were not in custody, cult members gathered in front of the Federal Bureau of Intimidation and chanted "Scarien Nation Now Be One". Riot Police were called in and the situation became tense after protestors aimed hypnotic devices at the officers.
Rumors concerning the controversial combo arose after foreign tabloids reported that the CIA was keeping Scariens under surveillance because of possible connections with the Scarien Liberation Army. Previously classified as psychic freedom fighters, the Homeland Security Czar recently re-classified the Scarien Liberation Army as psychic terrorists. Sources say that the underground organization uses telekinetic energy to cause senior members of the Republicrat Party to suffer from chronic diarhea and anxiety.
Two days after the Scarien Cult riot, Scariens surfaced at a New Delhi night club. According to Scariens manager Manny Jacobs, the group left America in October for a global tour. Scariens kicked off the tour with a benefit show in Egypt followed by a two week stint on a Caspian Sea cruise ship. The tour ended last week with performances in Peshawar and New Delhi, but recent developments in Afghanistan may lead to an extra performance in Kabul.
Scariens may perform for their fans in Kabul
Jacobs is negotiating with the Northern Alliance to have Scariens appear at a once popular Kabul nightspot called The Cave. The club was closed down several years ago after the Taliban Ministry of Virtue banned live entertainment. After the Taliban regime surrendered Kabul to the Northern Alliance, local promoter Sammy Ben Lehman began preparations to re-open the The Cave.
Sources close to the negotiations report that Jacobs is asking the Northern Alliance to pressure U.S. officials to stop the Anti-Scarien program in America. The U.S. Dept. of National Conformity recently started a media campaign against Scariens encouraging Americans to "just say no to the Scarien Cult". Thousands of posters have been distributed to schools and teachers have been instructed to have their classes recite the Anti-Scarien Pledge every morning.
There is gossip on the streets in New Delhi that Scariens are now recording a new CD at a local studio. It is said the CD will have one very long song named Yuppi Dehd Meit Hoeli Skahm. The title, loosely translated, means Zombie Revelations or Zombie Religion, according to language experts. A well known Hindu Mystic has predicted the new Scariens CD will be available "when the conditions are right".