SCARIEN NATION NOW BE ONE
SELLING THE ACT
Dusty moved out of his trailer and the cats found a double wide in a secret location. Everyone was sure the heat was on the Dubble D Rancher. They scored some amps and a PA and did some serious woodshedding in their new double wide. They rehearsed just like they had years before. They learned and relearned all the songs. Some of the old Scarien melodies came back just like they had been playing them all along.
"Are there any more songs on the tape that we need to learn?"
"No, man. That's it. We've learned them all, note for note."
"What we need now is an agent."
"I know this clown named Abie Jacobs, but the little scumbag still owes me 60 bucks for a Moose Lodge dance. But he might be the only agent that will book a weird act like this, here in hicksville," Dusty offered.
Mr. Scary popped in like a flash bulb. Arms folded, he smiled and nodded. He looked very pleased.
"It appears you are ready," he said as he vanished.
"Wow, heavy cat that Scary dude."
The Scariens piled into Huk's Cadillac and headed off to the music shop where Abie Jacobs worked. Way out in the suburbs among the zombies, robots, and mall dwellers.
Anxious K-Mart shoppers stared at the cats as they made their way down the strip mall. Several security guards converged and followed the Scariens to the front door of the music shop. They waited outside, watching and waiting. Matching profiles.
"Abie, baby, where's my 60 bucks?"
"Screw you, fruitcake! You burnt me on that Moose Lodge gig. You'll never work in this city again!"
"Take it easy, Abie. We've got a whole new show for you. Ain't messin' with that aikey-brakee crap no more."
"Get out of my store, you clowns. I don't work with assholes."
Huk pulled out one the Scarien MK-Ultra wheels from his behind his back and zapped a spin on Abie. Abie smiled and let out a long sigh.
"Look, Abie, keep the 60 bucks. Just get us some gigs, OK?"
"Ok, ok, ok already. I tell you what. I'll call Chuck Wrench down at the Moonprance Saloon. I booked this Wayne Newton impersonator for tonight and you guys can open for him."
"Wayne Newton?" Kareem and Jabbah asked simultaneously.
"Cancel the Newton impostor, Abie. We'll do the whole damn show."
"Ok, ok. I'll call Wrench and tell him you guys are showing up. Show up at the Moonprance at 9. Can you do that? And wear some of those grunge outfits so you'll look hip.
You clowns need to learn how to dress."
The Scariens did the gig and it was a weird one. Yuppie scum alcoholics and rosy cheeked preppy boys with no dates. Young Republicrats from outer space. Crazy old vipers invading an ivy league frat party from hell, these Scariens did not please the clone crowd.
The audience was totally weirded out and did not dig the show. It was apparently to heavy for these white bread kids. They refused to play the Wayne Newton covers these kids were expecting. Had the Scariens used the MK-Ultra wheels, maybe the Moonprance patrons would have enjoyed the show a little more. They had violated the number one rule.
"Rotate the wheels before your audience," Mr. Scary had told them.
The band split back to the double wide after the Moonprance gig and shared some mezzmezzro. They needed to get mellow after playing their most intense gig ever.
"Hey, Dusty. How's your mother?"
"Well, I sent that Pat Robertson dude my last 30 bucks and he healed her right over the TV set and she puked up all that cancer the next day, in the fountain at Clover Leaf Mall. Now the son of a bitch is writing for more money to keep the cancer away. It's a damn racket."
"It say s here in the wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ that a truck driver for DuPont hatched some dinosaur eggs in his microwave oven."
Mr. Scary suddenly popped in, unannounced.
"You must use the wheel. You will fail without it. You must construct the wheels immediately!"
"Aw, man, we don't need them silly ass wheels."
"The wheels are necessary to defeat the Ariens. Those who refuse to use the wheel are doomed to failure. Look at Elvis. Look at the Egyptians. They failed. Just follow these plans," Mr. Scary told Huk as he handed him an ancient scroll.
"And when you expose the wheel, you shall say 'hear and obey' aloud so that they will hear."
The band spent the next day going to hardware stores, assembling stuff, wiring motors, and trying to read the ancient plans. They worked hard for many hours. Finally the wheels were working. They had made two MK-Ultra wheels that appeared at first glance to be ordinary window fans.