wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ


Scarien Fundamentalist
fears ancient doctrines
will be broken

RICHMOND ~ Reports of a tape secretly recorded by the CIA has some in the Scarien community outraged. The tape of an actual live Scarien performance was apparently stolen from the CIA and plans are being made by an offshore pirate record company to release the controversial recording on compact disc. A small faction of Scarien Fundamentalists are in an uproar over the possibility of the ancient melodies being released on CD.

According to cult experts, ancient Scarien doctrines prohibit the reproduction of traditional Scarien music using any format other than 78 RPM records. However, most Scarien cult members believe these doctrines were adopted centuries ago and they site the mythical tape delivered to the Scarien combo by a High Priest from the Scarien Planet.

This tabloid contacted the Scarien organization for the official position on the current controversy and was referred to impresario Manny Jacobs. Tabloid reporters immediately scheduled an interview with Jacobs, who recently came out of retirement to work with the Scariens. The legendary promoter and his assistant, Ida, gave reporters the straight poop on Scarien doctrines and the top secret Scarien tape.

Manny Jacobs confirmed
rumor that Scarien CD
will be released

Reporters were told that the ancient Scarien writings were actually written in the future and transported back through time. According to Manny, the same writings that refer to 78 RPM records also refer to cassette tapes and CDs. Jacobs confirmed rumors that an offshore pirate record company plans to bootleg an unauthorized compact disc of the CIA recording of the Scariens.

Jacobs is currently negotiating with the head of the unnamed bootleg outfit to destroy the secret tape. Jacobs informed reporters that record exec Max Alucard is a rogue CIA agent with a vendetta against the Scariens. Apparently, Alucard wants to release the CD believing it will be divisive and insulting to Scarien Cult members. The CD format adorned with color snapshots is expected to offend fundamentalists that adhere to the doctine prohibiting modern media formats and color photography.

Jacobs has been unable to persuade the bootlegger to abandon the CD project or to use black and white photographs on the cover. Alucard offered to sell the entire production run of the CD to Manny for one million dollars but refused to give up the secret master tape. Max Alucard would not return calls from the wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ to confirm the allegations made by Manny Jacobs.

Max Alucard says he
will put out the un-
authorized Scarien CD

Assistant Promoter Ida believes Alucard will probably market the CD in truck stops, convenience stores and homeless shelters. Alucard has previously sold budget CDs on cable television and the internet. Ida expects the Scarien CD to hit the streets within days.