wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ


SCARIEN OP BUNGLED BY CIA


RICHMOND ~ It was a cold November night when the underground Scariens combo appeared at the Moondance Saloon located in a seedy part of town the locals call "The Bottom". The performance was attended by afficionados of ancient melodies and a close knit group of Scarien Cult members, all of whom received special invitations for the rare Sunday night Scarien event. Unknown to the Scariens and their initiates, a CIA operative was present at the event.

Information obtained by this tabloid yesterday reveals that the CIA made a secret recording of the combo that cold night. The existence of the recording came to light when several wEakLy wHiRL kNEwZ reporters were strong-armed by some unsavory rogues known to be CIA freelancers. The thugs were after the CIA's tape of the Scariens. Apparently, the CIA is no longer in possession of the recording and is desperately seeking out the culprits responsible for its disappearance.




A reputable source close to the underbelly of the intelligence community was contacted by tabloid journalists early this morning and agreed to speak off the record. The source provided information indicating that federal agents have been trying to infiltrate the Scarien Cult for many years. While our contact did not reveal the CIA's motives for their interest in the mysterious cult, he implied that a possible connection to the Scarien Liberation Army has the G-Men concerned.




Tabloid journalists were informed that the CIA sought recordings of Scarien performances in order to study the ancient Scarien dialect, a language that authorities have been unable to translate. CIA analysts suspect that the Scariens are passing secret messages and forbidden knowledge to members of the Scarien Cult and the Scarien Liberation Army through the unusual vocal stylings. Musical numbers identified as Sunshine of Your Cowbell and Secretly Aging Man were of particular interest to federal authorities as they are sung entirely in the Scarien tongue.

Reliable gossip circulating in Richmond's underworld community indicates that an offshore pirate record company is in possession of the CIA's tape of the Scariens. This tabloid received information just before going to press that the pirates plan to release an unauthorized compact disc of the material contained on the stolen CIA tape. According to our contact, there is a rumor that the CD will be marketed on cable television.